A dark cinematic song about numbness, anger, distraction, masks, and the slow inner collapse
of becoming both the damage and the one trapped inside it.
My negativity got fed forced by shit that felt wrong
I dont even see a prayer Ive been numb for too long
Brain feels mentally dead like the wires dont connect
Try to put it where it belongs but it never sits correct
I can have it I can take it yeah I carry all the weight
But my surroundings pay the price when Im consumed by all the hate
For so long I thought I was the perfect one for the system
Truth is I was never built to fit it just existed in the prison
If Id ever start to feel then Id make myself appeal
Run away into distractions just to stop whats real
Anything to keep me busy anything to kill reflection
Anything to stop my mind from turning pain into confession
I restrain and neglect myself just to live just to be seen
Play the role wear the mask keep it clean keep it mean
Always a joker always a friend till the bitter end
Never the one they ask are you good
Guess that depends
Im the reason Im the wound
Im the silence Im the noise in the room
I want love I want space
Want to vanish but someone to stay
I say Im fine then I fall apart
Cold in my head but chaos in my heart
Every side of me pulls till it rips
Im myself at my own apocalypse
Turned against the ones that love me most
Yeah I know thats true
Cause they might still forgive me
But strangers never do
Heard me once I cut it off
Wont hear a second plea
Aint no second chance again
Not after what was done to me
Im even scared to play with my kids
Thats hard for me to say
Worried being soft or human
Makes my image drift away
Like if I show that side of me
Then somehow I look weak
Like love becomes a weapon
And compassion starts to leak
It aint the tough goddamn it
Just the human being beneath
But that version feels too open
Like a target when I breathe
Make me vulnerable to damage
Let assumptions start to build
Like I got feelings
Like Im breakable
Like I can still be killed
I always said that I dont feel shit
Dont care what people say
Like opinions never touch me
Like they never make me sway
But truth is Im insecure
And Ive been living scared
Terrified my mask might crack
And show that something is really there
That my walls might fall to pieces
That the anger wont be king
That I might feel a different pain
Than all the rage I bring
That I might stay calm in conflict
Maybe choose a different end
Instead of turning every threat
Into a wall that needs defending
Im the reason Im the wound
Im the silence Im the cry in the room
I want love I want space
Want to disappear
Want somebody to stay
I say Im fine then I fall apart
Numb in my head but a storm in my heart
Every side of me pulls till it rips
Im myself
In my own apocalypse
In my own apocalypse
In my own apocalypse
