A raw and heavy track about becoming your own accuser, hiding behind masks,
surviving through humor and anger, and catching the hateful inner voice in the act.
I hated myself in the good times
I hated myself in the bad
Now I’m in the worst of it
and I hate myself worse than that
I learned how to function
while rotting inside
Learned how to stay useful
while wanting to hide
Turned pain into pressure
turned fear into control
Kept the outside moving
while it ate through my soul
Got committed for help
cause my mind went too far
Thought if I said it out loud
someone might see where things are
Opened up more than ever
said what I never said
Dragged all of it out
all the shit in my head
And yeah, I got insight
I know why I’m like this now
I know why I go cold
why I shut down when it counts
But they still didn’t get it
even after I explained
They heard what I said
but they missed what it meant
I hate myself
I hate my world
I hate the life I lead
I hate the way I cope through everything
and still feel empty
I hate this mask
I hate this shell
I hate what’s left of me
I hate surviving through it all
with nothing left in me
They pushed me away
said I made people unsafe
At least that’s the excuse
that’s the phrase that they gave
Like I was the danger
not the pain I was in
Not the masks I was using
just to hold myself in
I used humor like armor
used anger to cope
Made pain sound funny
just to stay on the rope
The more I joked
the more I played the clown
the more I really ate myself away
while they laughed it down
My humor went from sarcastic
to dark and cynical
based on the hill I rolled down
Now I’m in a pit
and I can’t seem to find the steps
I never came talking early
I never came talking small
I only start speaking
when I’m close to the fall
I only come talking
with one foot in the grave
That’s how bad it gets
before I ask to be saved
I hate myself
I hate my world
I hate the life I lead
I hate the way I cope through everything
and still feel empty
I hate this mask
I hate this shell
I hate what’s left of me
I hate surviving through it all
with nothing left in me
Went in there broken
came out broken more
More open than ever
but more shallow at the core
They gave words to the pattern
gave names to the pain
But when I came back out
I fell into the same thing again
Back to old habits
back to shutting it down
Back to the mask
back to being the clown
Insight didn’t fix it
truth didn’t save me
It just left me standing there
watching what shaped me
Every day I get thoughts
of taking the exit
Not cause I’m chasing death
but cause I can’t keep this
I asked for help
came back more unwell
More open, more hollow
more trapped in myself
I hated myself in the good times
I hated myself in the bad
Now I’m in the worst of it
and I hate myself worse than that
I HATE MYSELF
I HATE MY WORLD
I HATE THE LIFE I LEAD
I HATE THE WAY I COPE THROUGH EVERYTHING
AND STILL FEEL EMPTY
I HATE THIS MASK
I HATE THIS SHELL
I HATE WHAT’S LEFT OF ME
I HATE SURVIVING THROUGH IT ALL
WITH NOTHING LEFT IN ME
Nothing left in me
Nothing left in me
I kept surviving
till there was nothing left in me
My humor turned black
my anger turned cold
I rolled down the hill
and got buried below
I don’t hate the world
I hate myself
